My little brother, Ian, died in the summer of 2022.
That was a pretty awful event that I wrote about here, but you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. Here’s what matters:
There used to be three of us, and then there were two. The three of us had not all been together for ten whole years, and we had planned to reunite in August, and Ian didn’t make it.
In 2012, Ian and Ted and I all posed for a picture with our cousin Lucas. We were going to retake that picture in the summer of 2022, but Ian didn’t make it. Except he was still at Ted’s house, and we decided to take the picture anyway.
Ian’s ashes are in a rosewood box. I made an elastic band that fits around it, with a strip of hook Velcro on one side. This serves as an anchor for any number of outfits, which can then be attached to the box like paper dolls’ clothing.
Ted specifically requested a Hawaiian shirt for our brother, so that was my first project. It was, in my mind at the time, my only project. I was making this shirt for Ian to wear in our photograph, and then later at his celebration of life. But at the time, I did not have any long-term plans.
We took the picture and it was amazing. We were so awkward. Ian looked good.
Then came our first holiday season without Ian. It was all sad and weird, and of course I knew it was all sad and weird for Ted too. What could solve all our problems and turn our frowns upside-down? The answer was simple. I made Ian an ugly Christmas sweater.
Like the Hawaiian shirt, the sweater was made from hand-cut and painted canvas. But I had learned a thing or two, like how I needed to reinforce the back for increased rigidity. And I really went all-in on the design, with elaborate painting and multiple layers of cut canvas features. Plus metallic paint and glitter. Because it was ugly.
So I thought I was done for a while, but then Ian’s birthday started to loom. The first birthday that he wasn’t going to be here to celebrate. I decided to make something for his birthday, but it turned into four things.
First up was a t-shirt with something Ian loved: a lame ‘your mom’ joke.
Then a Dungeons & Dragons shirt with three-quarter sleeves.
I decided to fancy things up just a little by making him a guayabera. As far as I know, Ian never actually had one, but he should’ve.
Then I made him a shirt with the moon on it. The specific version of the moon that I painted on the shirt is the same one that Ian carved into a rubber stamp. After he passed, Ted and I both had tattoos of this moon, so now Ian can display his own version too.
I sent them all to Ted in time for Ian’s birthday.
It was about the happiest birthday we could have managed, under the circumstances.
And then I was done again, for a while.
I started again in January of 2024. Another holiday is behind us, another birthday is on its way. I guess it’s always going to be like that. There was no single reason for me to return to this project, but there may have been a thousand tiny ones.
When my dog, the Doctor, died this fall, I spent a lot of time buried in new and exciting layers of grief. Maybe there is a sense of relief in returning to an old, familiar feeling of loss. In any case, I have found some more joy in these new shirts, which will do wonders to expand my brother’s limited wardrobe.
I started with a Mauna Loa macadamia nut tee, honoring a favorite treat of our grandfather’s. And then a shirt with a preschool-style hand turkey, because Ted mentioned that our brother had nothing to wear for Thanksgiving.
Next, I decided to empty my mind of a dumb joke that had been rattling around in there for about nine years. The idea (if you can call it that) was just an egg-based protein beverage with an inexplicable Russian theme. It would be called Egg Czar. That way, the slogan could be “A Good Source of Protein.” So when you read out the whole name and slogan, it sounds like eggs are a good source of protein. To the extent that there is a joke in there, that’s the joke.
One design that seemed absolutely necessary was to give Ian a t-shirt with the Instructables robot on it. Instructables is a terrific web site that Ian had used for many years. Thanks to him, I’ve been on there for ages too; there are many links on this site to Instructables, because they host a lot of my projects.
Back in the day, prize packages for Instructables contests usually included a t-shirt with the robot on it. Ian and I both had a few, and I believed he needed a new one.
He needed something to dress up in for a night on the town, so I fashioned this fetching striped suit:
Emboldened by the success of the suit, I decided to try my hand at a cowboy shirt. By this time, I was becoming artistically interested in the project for more creatively fulfilling reasons, and not just driven by sadness and confusion. I wanted to make a cowboy shirt because I thought it would look cool, and I wanted to paint something with contrast stitching. And maybe the color scheme could be inspired by that shirt Noel Fielding wore on that episode of QI, Ian would totally appreciate that.
Yeah, it’s not just grief now, I’m getting into it. I like doing this for him.
In which case, why shouldn’t I make a Fred Flinstone costume?
Then I decided to paint a tribute to Ian’s departed kitty, Radio Cat 3000. This was definitely a direct result of processing my own grief about the Doctor. Radio Cat 3000 passed while Ian was still alive, and I know how much it hurt. I am still feeling that same pain.
It’s very important to me to mark the Doctor’s passing, and I don’t know what Ian would ultimately have done for Radio Cat. But since he wasn’t really in a position to decide, I figured I ought to do something on his behalf.
I’m writing this at the end of January. These last eight items were all created in the last three weeks, so in a way, this has been a pretty productive year so far. It’s even been fun. Not unadulterated fun, not whimsy without sadness, but it’s been fun.
I miss my brother, so I make him presents. I will always miss my brother, so there may be no end to this runway show. I don’t know. What I do know is that I will send these along to Ted, and he will keep Ian looking good. He’s always going to look good, and we are always going to miss him.